There are many things that annoy The Von but there are ten particular things that drive me absolutely fucking nuts!
ENJOY

1. My boyfriend leaving EVERYTHING open.

Cabinet Doors       

Vanity Drawers

Q-Tip Holders etc…

Anything he opens remains open. I don’t understand it. It may be some type of undiagnosed mental disorder. Maybe his parents locked him in his room as a child and now he needs everything to remain ajar. Whatever it is, it’s really fucking annoying and I have probably wasted at least seventy-three minutes of my life (which I’ll never get back) following him around closing the things he leaves open.

2. People that take five hours to tell a two minute story. My time is precious people! Get to the point! I don’t care what color socks Marvin was wearing or how blue the sky was when you found out your boyfriend was cheating on you. He probably cheated because you take forever to get to the God damn point! I have someone in my life who does this and her name is My Mother.

My Mother: The Long Story Teller

Every time she starts to tell me a story I roll my eyes and pray she has some non-perishable food items in the house because I know I’m gonna be there for at least two years. Worse than being trapped by my mom as she shares an endless saga is getting trapped on the telephone by a seasoned story teller when you unwittingly answer the phone in her house and say, “How are you?” just to seem polite. Needless to say that I no longer answer the phone and text everyone instead. Is it selfish??? Yes. Wise? Definitely.

3. Teenagers and men that wear their jeans under the cup of their ass.

WTF!?

I can’t even walk in heels, how the hell do they walk with their pants below their underwear? It’s not even like they’re loose and wind up falling because they have belts on to keep them there! This is one of life’s phenomenon’s. I just want to know who the first moron was that decided that this look was cool. Was it because they were forced to wear hand me downs and their pants were super short on them so they decided to wear them two feet below their waist? I just don’t understand. How is it that these fashion challenged victims don’t wind up falling flat on their faces? If my thighs were ever constricted like that, I would manage exactly two duck waddle steps forward before a face plant on the pavement. These people may not be fashion forward but they do have some great coordination skills.

4.Kidz (and also one 33 yr old woman) who rite on Facebook and text bye spelling the werds the way they actually sownd.

It’s not even liek spelling that way makes it any ezier. Most of the werds r the same amount of letters(if not more) so noe time is saved. On top of that these idiots have to remember a hole knew alfabet. I can’t even remember wut I ate for brakefast let alone rite in two different ways. Wen I see my cuzins riting liek this on Facebook I wish that I culd reech thru the computer screen and smak dem.

5.The people that find it necessary to tell you that they could have gotten whatever you just bought for a million dollars cheaper from their uncle’s brother’s neighbor’s son. Nothing like having a brand new kitchen put in and the “I can get it cheaper” person who knew you were getting the work done since day one walks into your home and asks you how much you paid. When you tell them you paid $7000 they turn to you and say, “Mincque! I could have gotten you that for $1000 from Joey Cabinets out on 86th St!” Really? Then why the hell didn’t you tell me this when you saw me ripping out my kitchen jerk!?

6. The girl behind the register who is telling the person she’s talking to on her cell phone about where she went and who she blew while I’m standing there waiting to pay for the 20 items that I am juggling in my arms.

Seriously?

There are millions of people out of work in the nation and this unappreciative teeny bopper has the nerve to look me right in the eye and continue to talk?! When I ask her to please continue her personal business after she rings me up I get a huff and a look of disgust as she tells her friend she’ll have to call her back because she has a customer bitching at her. I would complain but the person at customer service was the person on the other end of that phone call.

7. People who know that have BO yet have the nerve to ride the elevator. Take the stairs you selfish jerk! Have you no shame or concern for the people like me who are sensitive to the stench of sweat and grime and throw up in their mouths if they are trapped in a 2×4 unventilated box that reeks of your odor? Don’t tell me that you can’t smell yourself. Don’t tell me that you have managed to go through life without your friends and family members telling you that you smell like week old fish. If my boyfriend was walking around smelling like a rotten onion I would be the first one to tell him to take a fucking shower! I have nothing more to say because I can smell the BO just by talking about it.

8.The Verrazano Bridge.

Rapist

I hate the bridge for the simple fact that I get ass raped of my hard earned money every time I have to travel over it. I could buy a steak dinner for the same price it costs me to get through that toll. Blasphemy!

9. Men that wear toupees, especially ones that are a completely different shade than whatever hair is left on the bottom section of their heads.

Gross

I have to admit that it does amuse me whenever I see one of these gentleman sporting a rug on his head but my amusement quickly fades whenever one of these hair hat wearing guys tries to hit on me. Where do these guys find the confidence to do such things? I mean really – how come short, cigar smoking, dead cat resting on their head men always pick the tallest girl in the room to hit on? Does the rug glue seep through their scalps and effect their brains or does the magic mirror they keep in the closet that tells them their scalp muff looks good also convince them that they are tall, dark and handsome.

10. The word MOIST.

There is something about that word that makes me cringe every time I hear it. I don’t know why it bothers me so much but it does. I especially hate when men use the word. I can safely say that I have stopped talking to at least two men after they used the word repeatedly. Now if I ever ran into a toupee wearing gentleman who had BO on the elevator and he turned to me and said, “It’s a bit moist in here, isn’t it?” I would probably fall to the floor with a heart attack because, ladies and gentlemen, that right there, is my worst nightmare.

So there you have it. Those are the ten things that drive The Von crazy. If any of you use the word “moist” in the comment section below I will make sure you are banned from The World of Von FOREVER.
The End