I remember four days ago when I LOVED Krispy Kreme Doughnuts. The delightfully rich cream filling in their Glazed Kreme Filled doughnut, or the buttery toffee crunch that is full of flavor and full of fun atop their Caramel Kreme Crunch. The distinctively delicious variety of fattening heaven will go straight to your ass but leave warmth and happiness in your heart. They have been a favorite of mine for years and now… I HATE THEM! I will no longer be able to bite into one of their ooey-gooey pieces of heaven because every time I look at one of their doughnuts I will now think of a giant Caucasian butthole.

After seeing their mascot roaming the streets of Philly it has been brought to my attention that the ad execs at Krispy Kreme are either on crack or just a bunch of creepy perverts. If you have no idea what I am referring to take a look at this:

How the hell does that thing resemble a doughnut in any way, shape or form?! The only thing this walking pile of plush pervertedness looks like is an asshole, a Caucasian one!

Since I’m a good Samaritan (and a tad bit sick in the head) I took it upon myself  to write Krispy Kreme Dougnuts a lengthy complaint letter (along with visuals) informing them of how uncomfortable their ridiculous mascot makes me and probably every other person who isn’t legally blind.

I handed it over to the mailman on Tuesday and will wait patiently for a response. One can only hope that if they do take the time to reply, the response will be just as stupid as the letter I sent them. Fingers crossed.

Here is the letter I wrote that will probably get the FBI to open a file on me (if they don’t have one already).

May 2, 2011

Dear Krispy Kreme Doughnuts,

I am writing you this letter in regards to your Krispy Kreme Doughnut mascot. I find it extremely offensive and can honestly say it looks NOTHING like a doughnut. What the mascot DOES look like is a giant Caucasian butthole. I do not understand how the design of the mascot slipped through the cracks and wasn’t noticed by advertising and corporate executives. There are now hundreds of giant plush butt holes roaming the streets of busy cities donning the Krispy Kreme name on its hat, scaring children and making people like me uncomfortable and sick to our stomachs.  As an adult who owns their own hot dog costume I can honestly say that whoever made my hot dog suit put a lot of time and effort into it all the way down to the relish on the mustard. It doesn’t resemble anything but a hot dog and there are a couple of perverted things it could resemble if it wasn’t designed right.

Being a person with a sweet tooth, Krispy Kreme Dougnuts were once my favorite treat. I even frequented the doughnut plant in The Hamptons several times but after seeing this I now associate doughnuts with butt holes and that upsets me. I suggest you go back to the drawing board and redesign this hot mess of a mascot so that the general public no longer frowns upon your company. I am willing to even sit in on the meeting and give some insight as to what needs to be done.

Please find an 8×10 print out of one of your mascots that was walking the streets of Philly this week. If you look closely you can see the gentleman to the left is probably thinking the same thing I am about what the mascot resembles.  I can see the confusion on his face.  I have also included an 8×10 of me in my hot dog costume so you can see what detail and effort was put into creating it and I bought it at Target not even a hot dog costume place!

Thank you for your time and effort. I hope to hear back from you soon.

Sincerely,

Jennifer Remauro

An Ex-Krispy Kreme Consumer

So keep your fingers and toes crossed because if I open my mailbox and there is a an envelope with the address of Krispy Kreme Doughnuts on the return label you will be treated to an amazing blog update.

Special Thanks to Dawn Secreto for making my brain work extra hard this week.

Thank You, God Bless and From Now On…Eat Dunkin Donuts!

Update:

So after posting this blog to Twitter the people of Krispy Kreme South Philly became saddened by new dislike for their tasty perverted treat and decided to Tweet me. Here is the Tweet exchange: