The Top 10 Reasons The World Isn’t Going To Fucking End Next Saturday
Harold Camping predicted it, The Mayans predicted it and even Robert Fitzpatrick, a retired MTA employee, predicted it. I’m talking about Doomsday aka “The End of the World.”
The most recent prediction, which is being spread like a bad
case of genital herpes, comes from Mr. Fitzpatrick who like I stated
prior is a retired MTA employee and fellow Staten Islander.
This is What a Moron Looks Like
To date this modern day Nostradamus, or
complete schizophrenic lunatic as I like to call him, has spent nearly
$140,000 on billboard, subway and bus stop ads warning the people of
planet Earth that the end is near. So near that I probably won’t get
to write next weeks blog because I will be fighting off earthquakes and
Jesus Christ according to this bible decoding mental case.
“A giant earthquake will render the earth uninhabitable. God’s people will be resurrected. It is also that day that God stops saving anyone.”
“If you want to set your alarm clock, the quake will happen just before 6 p.m.,” he said.
I really hope that Fitzpatrick’s brain is on the fritz
because if this doesn’t happen, which I can pretty much assure you it
won’t, I will be setting my alarm for 4 p.m. that day so I can find out
where he is, go there dressed as Jesus Christ…..
…..and at 6 p.m on the dot and tell him that he is the only one I am not sparing because he is too dumb to live on after spending his life savings on ridiculous Doomsday ads.
Now for the select few gullable readers out there who are
ordering hookers and hard core drugs for the next seven days because
you are certain that this imbecile knows what he’s talking about I have
one thing to say, “The man worked for the god damn MTA for 26 years! If
he couldn’t keep the trains and buses on schedule how the hell is he
able to tell you the exact time the Doomsday Earthquake will strike?”
What an idiot.
To ease your mind even more, I’ve have conjured up some
valid reasons why there is no fucking way the world is ending next
Saturday. Please give it a glance before thumbing through the Yellow
Pages looking for a cheap escort to bang for the next seven days and of
course…Enjoy.
The Top 10 Reasons The World Isn’t Going To Fucking End Next Saturday
1. I still have 2 more months until the 30 gal tub of mayonnaise I bought at COSTCO expires….
……and we all know throwing perfectly good mayonnaise away is a sin in itself.
2. We haven’t figured out who all that porn belongs to that was found in Bin Laden’s hideout.
Not that it really matters but when I met my ex husband he had enough porn tapes to open up a small video shop in the city if he wanted to. Sure I told half of my friends that I was obviously dating a giant pervert and that I probably should run for the hills but is Bin Laden’s collection of racy videos really news worthy?
3. God isn’t cruel enough to make us all die on the same day as the cast of The Jersey Shore…
Walking STD’s
…No way, no how, not ever. Just saying.
4. No one has physically punched Justin Bieber in the face yet.
The Biebs
This simple task needs to totally
happen….NOW! I’m willing to take one for the team and do this if given
the opportunity. I went seventeen or eighteen months without ever
hearing this pre-pubescent loser’s voice until one day when I was
flipping through the channels while laying on the couch. There was
actually a music video playing on MTV(which is hard to believe than
Lindsay Lohan saying she’s sober) and it was a pretty good song. I kept
the station on and may or may not have been bopping to the beat when all
of a sudden……HE popped up! He started singing. I started crying. It was
a total mess. Justin Bieber is like the NYC bed bug epidemic, he’s
everywhere. As of now he’s basically multiplying and no one can seem to
get rid of him. It’s insane (and annoying).
5. The celebrity who gave a hooker herpes hasn’t been exposed yet.
Is it Charlie Sheen? Is it Tom Arnold? Who knows, but the suspense is KILLING me and I need to find who this million twenty million dollar herpes carrier/giver is before I die.
6. I havent had sex with Zac Efron and totally intend to before I diminish.
Yum!
Boyfriend Schmoyfriend. Now that he is of age and I will not be arrested for engaging in sexual activity with a minor, Zac Efron’s penis has been added to my Bucket List of Life Goals. I always finish what I start so the world will have to continue on until I get to cross this off my list.
7. I haven’t gotten to Philly to present my new mascot idea to Krispy Kreme Doughnuts.
Giant Caucasian Butthole
I have a feeling that God has a sense of humor. If we all die this thing will also die and will be roaming the skies of Heaven. I can’t let that happen. This hot mess of a mascot needs to be rectified and made to actually look like a doughnut before the entire civilization is wiped out forever. It’s seems that the responsibility has been thrown into my lap and I’m super busy next week to even start this project. Until I get around to drawing up a new design for the perverted doughnut chain the world will have to wait to close the curtains on itself.
8.Kerry Campbell, the mother who injects her eight year old daughter with Botox, hasn’t killed herself yet.
Mommy Dearest
She gives her eight year old daughter Botox injections so that she doesn’t get wrinkles and can continue winning beauty pageants. This animal simply needs to disappear from this earth before she gives her daughter such a complex that she starts hookering it on the streets of Hollywood Blvd at the age of twelve. End of story. Here’s some rope.
9. Richard Simmons STILL hasn’t come out of the closet……..
Unicorns and Glitter
…and I know that when he does there’s going to be some type of huge and fabulous Richard Simmons parade and there is no way in the world that I will let GOD or his posse take that experience away from me. Not gonna happen God!
10. I am covering for one of my co-workers next Saturday and I REFUSE to die at work!
Me Dead At Work
I already refer to my place of employment as Hell so it would make total sense if my final moments were spent there but I would be really friggen pissed if it did.
So take THAT Robert Fitzpatrick! While I’m sitting at brunch sipping mimosas next Sunday you’ll be balled up in fetal position, somewhere in a dark corner, wishing you weren’t such a moron. See ya in 2012!
Posted by Jennifer at 5/14/2011 1:02 PM 
Categories: uncategorized
Tags: the end of the world Doomsday Robert Fitzpatrick Richard Simmons The Von Jen Remauro Justin Bieber Funny Blogs
Categories: uncategorized
Tags: the end of the world Doomsday Robert Fitzpatrick Richard Simmons The Von Jen Remauro Justin Bieber Funny Blogs
I hate to ride the Von's coat tails but she's used to bitches tryina bite her style anyway.(Besides she's one of my bes ties so we basically share a brain anyway)I'd like to add here are a few more reasons the world can NOT end Saturday
#11~There are still a few names on my list of vengeance that haven't had "an accident" yet.
#12~The von hasn't been given her own television show yet & although I've begged her numerous times to appear on my alleged show,she really deserves her own as well.
#13~I start filming Monday,the world can not end before the general public has been exposed to my insanity!
#14~If we die Saturday we will never know what happens on"mob wives"Sunday!
#15~The world can NOT end until I make my mother proud! Just once damn it!
#16~We still have no idea:Who really fathered Michael Jackson's kids.Where Hoffa's buried.Who really had JFK killed & where you buy magic bullets &Why we invaded Iraq in the 1st place. I want a wallet size of Osama's head blown open (at least ricky martin's out of the closet that was a real nail biter for me).What's really going on at area 51? Who killed Jon Benet Ramsey? & Who will be on the next season of dancing with the stars? Stonehenge? the pyramids? need i go on?
#17~Botox mom was arrested since Jenn wrote this but she has yet to be shived or shanked or whatever they call it in jail (im waiting people,let's get a move on)
#18~The following people still haven't been assassinated:Khalid Sheik Muhammad,Michael Moore,The Jonas brithers,Justin Beiber,The progressive lady with the bull head band & the voice of nails on a chalkboard,the entire fat cast of operation repo (which btw is scripted & filled with actors not really people)& that idiot that made the movie super size me! How dare you challenge Ronald's evil empire & have them do away with super size portions, I hate you!
#19~No offense to Victoria but she will now have 4 of beckham's lil beck's n I have yet to have a single one,yes the world a can not end until I have committed vile,unspeakable,tawdry,unlawful in 27 states sex acts to David Beckham.
and finally #20~Jenn hasn't asked her to vote for her in any way shape or form in almost a week! Wait that night actually be a sign of the apocalypse oh damn back to the drawing board.
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My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch.
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