I’ve had an AOL account since the nineteen-nineties and the only emails I get are from my mother, Good Day NY, The Trya Banks Show and an endless amount of internet Viagra dealers informing me that they can make my penis become a magic stick for the ladies.

Every now and then, when I’m lucky, I’ll get lengthy emails from Nigerian princes or Haitian Reverends  asking  me to marry their fathers for $10,000,000 or to ship granite counter tops to orphans in Haiti.

Haitian Orphans Love Granite

Read My Last Email Related To That Topic

My newest pen pal happens to be a Financial Advisor going by the name of Fu Chen. Fu contacted me about a week ago informing me that I was chosen to be the recipient of a shit load of money, $23,500,000 to be exact! Finding that email in my inbox was like finding twenty wrapped Christmas gifts, all with my name them, in the middle of May. These emails are like a drug to me. They provide me with endless hours of blissful entertainment while keeping me from being productive at work. I love them.

Here is my newest bundle of joy:

Financial adviser

I am a financial adviser with one of the financial institution in Taiwan. With my advice an investor made a capital growth of more than 40% in his first year of operation. Unfortunate the investor died leaving no one to succeed his estate. I need your assistance in moving this deposit to your country. For your assistance I am willing to share the deposit with you 50/50

I am prepared to place you in a position to instruct the firm to release the US$23,500,000.00 to you.

Please use my private email account to Contact me if the proposal is of interest to you. chenfu5@aol.com

Regards,

Fu Chen

chenfu5@aol.com

Jen’s Reply To Fu Chen

Dearest Fu Chen,

I have to admit, this morning I was planning on taking an entire bottle of aspirins in an attempt to try and move on to a better place but after opening up my emails I have a new reason to live!

I will be $23,500,000.00 richer because of you and now want to continue living. Not only will I live on but I will be able to get the new teeth my mouth requires. I was so excited upon reading your email that I actually peed myself. Please instruct me on what to do next. I have several bank accounts you can use. Let me know.

Thanks

Jennifer

Fu Chen’s Reply To Jen

Thank you for the interest you have shown. I came across your electronic address recently in the web directory and decided to contact you.

I want you to understand the genesis of the transaction before making any decision to work with me or decline my offer. The transaction is actually about a customer that helped purchase securities in the capital market. I was the officer assigned to assist the customer in investment; I made numerous suggestions in line with my duties as the de-facto chief operations officer of the Private Banking Service Department, especially given the volume of funds he wished to put into our bank. We meet on numerous occasions prior to any investments being placed. I encouraged him to consider the various investment opportunities available at the time. The favored route in my advice the customer is to start by assessing data on 600 traditional stocks and bond managers and alternative investments.

Based on my advice, we spun the money around various opportunities and made attractive margins for our first month of operation, the accrued profit and interest stood at this point at over 3 million United States Dollars, this margin was not the full potential of the fund but he desired low risk guaranteed returns on investments. In mid 2005, he asked that the money be liquidated because he needed to make an urgent investment requiring cash payments in Europe. He directed that I liquidate the funds and had it deposited with a firm in Europe. I informed him that our bank would have to make special arrangements to have this done and in order not to circumvent due process, the bank would have to make a 9.5 % deduction from the funds to cater for banking and statutory charges. He complained about the charges but later came around when I explained to him the complexities of the task he was asking of us. Cash movement across borders has become especially strict since the incidents of 9/11.

I contacted my affiliate in Europe and had the funds available in main land Europe. I undertook all the processes and made sure I followed his precise instructions to the letter and had the funds deposited in a security consultancy firm, the firm is a specialist private firm that accepts deposits from high net worth individuals and blue chip corporations that handle valuable products or undertake transactions that need immediate access to cash. This was the last communication we had, this transpired around 25th February 2006.

In June last year, I got a call from the security firm informing us of the inactivity of that particular portfolio. This was an astounding position, given the fact that I managed the private banking sector I was the only one who knew about the deposit, and I could not understand why he had not come forward to claim his deposit. I made futile efforts to locate him I immediately passed the task of locating him to private source only to get the information that he had died of a heart attack in Europe.

At the confirmation of his death launched a private investigation into possible surviving next of kin to alert him or her about the situation and also to come forward to claim his estate. If you are familiar with private banking affairs, those who patronize our services usually prefer anonymity, but also some levels of detachment from conventional processes. In his bio-data form, he listed no next of kin. In the field of private banking, opening an account with us means no one will know of its existence, accounts are rarely held under a name; depositors use numbers and codes to make the accounts anonymous. This bank also gives the choice to  depositors of having their mail sent to them or held at the bank itself, ensuring that there are no traces of the account and as I said, rarely do they nominate next of kin. Private banking clients apart from not nominating next of kin also usually in most cases leave wills in our care, in this case; he died in testate.

What I wish to relate to you will smack of unethical practice but I want you to understand something. It is only an outsider to the banking world who finds the internal politics of the banking world aberrational. The world of private banking especially is fraught with huge rewards for those who occupy certain offices and oversee certain portfolios. You should have begun by now to put together the general direction of what I propose.

There is US$23,500,000.00 deposited, I alone have the deposit details and they will release the deposit to no one unless I instruct them to do so. I alone know of the existence of this deposit for as far as the finance firm, the transaction with our deceased customer concluded when I sent the funds to the firm, all outstanding interactions in relation to the file are just customer services and due process. The finance firm has no single idea of what’s the history or nature of the deposit. The security firm has not option rather than to liquidate the portfolio and return the US$23,500,000.00 bank to my bank.

I am prepared to place you in a position of the beneficiary and release the deposit to you as the closest surviving partner. I will simply nominate you as the next of kin and have them release the deposit to you. We share the proceeds 50/50. I would have gone ahead to ask the funds be released to me, but that would have drawn a straight line to me and my involvement in claiming the deposit. But on the other hand, you as a foreigner and also with all the necessary legal and official documentations from me and the presiding attorney and also with the authority vested upon me by the original depositor, you would easily pass as the beneficiary with the rights to claim. I assure you that I could have the deposit released to you in a few days.

I am aware of the consequences of this proposal. I ask that if you find no interest in this project that you should discard this mail. If my offer is of no appeal to you, delete this message and forget I ever contacted you.

If you find yourself able to work with me, contact me again with your full names and residential address

I await your response.

Sincerely,

Fu Chen

Jen’s Reply To Fu Chen

Dearest Fu Chen (My new BFF),

This sounds TOTALLY illegal but I’m in!

Just so you know I am TOTALLY dependable and very trustworthy. When I was eight years old my next door neighbor asked me to gerbil sit for them while they went to Disney World. While I was pet sitting I noticed something weird with the cage it was in and sure enough there was a false bottom. There was marijuana hidden underneath the cage along with a New Kids On The Block VHS cassette tape! My nine year old next door neighbor was a NKOTB listening drug trafficker!!! I never said a word though, I kept my mouth shut. That’s how trust worthy I am.

I am ready to make millions with you Fu Chen. The ball is in your court….let’s start this shit!

Sincerely,

Your new BFF…Jen

Fu Chen’s Reply

Thank you again. To start the process i need your complete name and complete address.

Regards,

Fu Chen

Jen’s Reply to Fu Chen

I am so excited and nervous all at once! Here is my info:

Jennifer Aniston

237 Jackoff Circle

Staten Island, NY 10314

Let me know what’s next!

Toodles!

Jen

Fu Chen’s Reply

Dear Jennifer,

Thank you for providing your personal details. I am going to use the details you provided to commence the initiatory process. Be rest assured that the transaction would go smoothly without any hitch, we will definitely achieve all we want if we listen and take each other advise seriously. I will welcome and take seriously any advice from you.

Like I wrote before, due to this issue it became necessary f or me to seek your assistance; I appreciate the fact that you are willing to assist me in executing this project and if possible to also assist me in investing some part of it in your country or somewhere else as the case might be.

You should not have anything to worry about, I will do everything legally required to ensure that the project goes smoothly, it shall pass through all Laws of International Banking and beneficiary claim, and you have my word on that..

Let me throw some light on the proceeding that will be involved in this transaction. First I will need to prepare some document at Hong Kong justice department; this document will place you as the beneficiary of the fund. In order to do this successfully I will employ the services of a lawyer, the lawyer will on your behalf, file a beneficiary affidavit at the Ministry of Justice and the beneficiary affidavit will pass throw the Ministry of Foreign Affairs for the necessary notarization authorization.

In the meantime, I need you to send me a copy of your identification (Driver’s license, Work ID or International passport).  I need this also for the documentation.

Ensure that you keep this project confidential; do not discuss it with anybody, because of the confidential nature of this transaction and my work.

Please reply soonest.

Regards, Fu chen

Jen’s Reply To Fu Chen

Dearest Fu Chen,

The only “advise” I have for you is to speed up the process and get me this money so that we can share it and live happily ever after. I already have a 52″ LCD flat screen TV on lay away at KMart along with a new couch from Bob’s Discount Furniture. I am so ready to live like P Diddy! I have attached a copy of my passport.

My Amazing Passport Making Skills

Please feel free to contact me with any further questions at:

718-477-7200

Thanks

Jen

After a couple of days and no response from Fu Chen I decided to write him again out of anticipation:

Jen’s Email To Fu Chen