You submitted them…I answered them! This week I asked my loyal readers to email me some questions they needed “Von Worthy” advice on. I would be lying if I said my email was flooded with submissions. I did get five questions, which leads me to believe that I have about five fans out there who actually pay attention to me. Regardless of my obvious non-existent celebrity status, I really took my time to answer these as best I could and can only hope you utilize any advice offered by me because I totally know what I’m talking about. Oh and THANKS MOM for submitting a question (that was sarcasm).

Dear Von: My problem is that one of my lady friends
wants to get married and she keeps insisting that
we do so on Halloween (she is really big into the
whole vampire thing, goth, etc.)- I would be fine
with that except I heard that the world will becoming to an end on October 21st, which means we would lose any and all wedding deposits we
pay before then : do you have any advice you
can give me on how to handle this problem ?
Sincerely, Mr. Pat “salty” Moore

Dear Mr. Pat: I hate Halloween. It’s definitely my least favorite holiday of the year. Bratty children running a muck, an over abundance of disgusting candy corns and almost an entire female race bringing out their “inner slut” dressed like naughty nurses or whorish wenches.

I don’t get it. Christmas on the other hand is my FAVORITE! I get so excited when Thanksgiving ends and the countdown begins til Jesus’ birthday. It’s not even about the presents because last year my boyfriend bought me towels and a heating pad instead of jewelry or clothing like most girlfriends of four years receive. I’ll admit I was extremely pissed but the man obviously has issues that I will never be able to fix.

Dear Von: My husband treats me like an employee instead of a wife. What can I do to change this?

Thanks- Melissa P (NJ)

Dear Melissa: Get a divorce. It’s only going to get worse.

Dear Von: My 4 year old won’t stop tugging on his “Johnson” when he talks to girls, any suggestions?

-Allison S.

Dear Allison: First of all I can tell you you’re son is definitely straight (in case you were wondering). Secondly, he may have the early signs of being a totally creepy pervert. The last time I checked touching yourself in front of other people is highly frowned upon.

I would have an intervention and maybe take him to see someone. It may be cute now but when he’s twenty-four and grabbing his Johnson while talking to the ladies, a neighborhood sex offenders list is the only thing he’ll be landing with that misconduct.

Dear Von: I have a neighbor who is an absolute B*TCH and she made me move my custom made gate because it was one inch on her property line! I didn’t know she put her fence inside her property line so I thought I could go right up to her fence. I had to have the whole thing cut and redone! What can I do to retaliate?

Sincerely,

The Best Neighbor on the Block

Dear Best Neighbor on the Block: Your neighbor obviously needs to get laid. She sounds pretty wound tight from what you’re telling me. Maybe you should try and set her up with some one so that she calms down and gets the stick out of her ass. Either that or buy 20 plastic pink flamingos and scatter them amongst your lawn just to piss her off.

Dear Von: Where do babies come from?

-Chris M

Dear Chris: Are you serious? From what my mother tells me babies come from Miami, FLA. They are produced on an assembly line by hard working Cubans. The process is along the same lines as cigar rolling.

The babies are then assigned to a couple and shipped via Fed Ex to their final destination. If you have any other questions like this please feel free to ask your mom, not me. Thanks.

A big THANK YOU to all five of my readers who took the time out to submit their questions and help me out. I really appreciate it and even if you did it out of pity, it’s okay. I’ll take whatever I can get.