Have you ever had a couple of adult beverages and then completely embarrassed yourself due to the lack of common sense and intelligence that comes with being intoxicated? Maybe you professed your love to the bartender who’s been making your Long Island Iced Teas all night or flashed the entire bar during your drunken rendition of Madonna’s “Like A Virgin.” Whatever your choice of embarrassment is  can’t be as bad as what happened to me last week while attending the Wagner College alumni dinner.

The one and only Soul Joel had taken me to the dinner as his personal guest and it was an awesome turn out. When we got there we got a cordial(of course) and then made our way outside to the patio for alumni group photos. While Joel was taking pictures I was sitting at a table minding my own business when a woman approached me and told me I looked lonely. She proceeded to tell me that she was Class of 71′ and asked which year I graduated. I broke the news to her that I was just some one’s date and didn’t attend her Alma mater thinking that that would be the end of the conversation. I was wrong. The Class of 71′ stranger (we’ll call her CRAZY) told me she was in her late fifties. I being polite did what any person with manners would do, I lied and said she looked amazing for her age. That was the biggest mistake of my life because instead of saying, “Thank You,” CRAZY decided to offer the biggest beauty tip(s) to staying young anyone has ever given me. She looked me straight in the eye (well as straight as a some one with five Jack Daniels under their belt can look) and told me, “I look so young because I get “IT” every day. Not only do I get “IT” every day but I also swallow AND rub semen on my face daily.” My jaw dropped and just as I was trying to pick it up off of the floor Joel walked over and asked me what was wrong. I pointed to CRAZY and said, “This woman’s on your side buddy!” Still not knowing what was going on Joel looked at the woman’s name tag and saw that she had Class of 71′ printed on it. They started to chat about Wagner and the years they attended when CRAZY said, “I was here for 1968, 69′ (what an GREAT year), 70′ and 71′.” I’m not sure what else was discussed because I was in my own world thinking about how I could phrase this in 420 characters or less on my Facebook status. A few moments later Joel and I were saved by a friend who was able to see we needed help. Back to the bar we went.

At that point I was still in good shape. We went to sit at our assigned table and i had the pleasure of being seated next to a gentleman who was attending the dinner dateless. To my delight I became the chosen one to hear all about his severe allergies to birch, dust & mold over the past thirty-five years while also hearing all about his dream of one day being able to afford to buy a horse so it can win the Triple Crown. Did I mention the guy was at the dinner alone?

A few much needed Chardonnays later and I was feeling good. I decided to excuse myself because I just couldn’t listen to the allergy horse guy anymore so I went to the ladies room. I was going to need some peace and quiet while updating my Facebook status informing my friends what the hell was going down at the Wagner College dinner. Amazingly I managed to word it just right so that it met the 420 character criteria and proudly posted the status from my smart phone. No one was going to believe this!

About ten minutes later I looked on my phone and there were no new Facebook notifications. I couldn’t believe my status hadn’t received any comments so I went onto my page and to look but the status wasn’t there. I had seen it post but now it was gone! What happened to it?! I looked on a few friends pages that I had been browsing to see if I had posted it on there by mistake but nothing came up. At that point I was not going to try and retype it all and decided I would just wait until I got home. My phone rand twenty minutes later, it was my sissy. “What the F*CK is wrong with you!??,” she yelled into the phone. I had no clue what she was talking about. The next words out of her mouth were, “Why would you post a comment on the District Attorney’s Facebook page about swallowing semen and having sex!!???” OH EM GEEEEEE! So THAT’S where my status update went.

Of Course My Sissy Got A Screen Shot Of The Biggest Mistake Of MY Life

I froze and started to shake. I was so dead. Not only was my sexual comment on the  DISTRICT ATTORNEY’S Facebook page, who my mother had publicly endorsed just days before at a press conference but I spelled semen wrong!! I quickly hung up and tried to erase it from my phone. It wasn’t working! Then the notifications started to come. People were commenting on the wall post about how Friggen Hilarious the comment was! I was so dead. I finally used Joel’s Blackberry to get the comment off of the wall and at that point needed more wine! I had no clue how many people had seen my perverted wall post. It was worse than Anthony Weiner’s wiener on Twitter!

At the end of the day it wound up that only about fifteen people had seen the post AND my mother didn’t kill me. I’m still alive and have learned a valuable lesson in life…. Never Facebook while drinking and NEVER send your kids to Wagner because they will probably wind up being perverted creeps with severe allergies when they get older. Sorry Joel.