RELATIONSHIPS: I’ve been in a few, sabotaged some and try to forget the rest. The best part of a relationship is the beginning when the two participants actually like each other and everything in the world is full of glitter and unicorns and your stomach, full of butterflies. Neither love bird can do wrong in their partner’s eyes and sex is occurring at least once a day.

Let’s start with my first kiss. I was thirteen yrs old and in love with my best friend (we’ll call him Mistake #1). I threw myself at him for nearly six weeks, which in teenage time feels like three years. Finally on day after school while standing at the bus stop he looked at me and asked, “Do you want to kiss me?” I didn’t even answer him I just went in for the kill. It was amazing! My knees buckled, my heart was racing…it couldn’t have been more perfect. When it was done he took a step back, looked at me and said, “Yep, I’m definitely gay.” Not the reaction I was looking for. I really should have gotten the “gaydar” memo prior to me falling in love with him when we started shopping at Wet Seal and Contempo Casuals and buying the same shirts.

I never picked up on the most obvious clues, but being me I wasn’t going to let those 6 weeks of hunting go to waste. I started dating his identical, straight twin brother for a while until he too came out of the closet.

This happened to me again about three years later which made me wonder why God didn’t make me a gay man (would have made SO much more sense)!

I won’t spend much time explaining Mistake #2. All I’ll say is I dated him for two years and for the first six months of our relationship I thought he was Italian. His name was Eddie, he worked in a pizzeria and he wore a gold Italian horn charm around his neck.

One day around Christmas time I asked what his plans were for the holidays. He looked at me like I had three heads. It wound up he was an Albanian Muslim. I was confused. I asked him about the Italian horn he wore on his chain and his reply was, “I thought it was a hot chili pepper.” He went on to tell me that he is only allowed to date Albanian girls and his parents would kill him if they ever found out about me. So I did what any seventeen year old girl would do in my shoes, I dated him for eighteen more months until one Saturday afternoon while I was at work. When I got home from my eight hour shift I called him to hang out. He wasn’t able to come see me though. Why you ask? Because he had just tied the knot with his new Albanian bride via a little thing I like to call: Arranged Marriage. I wasn’t even invited to the wedding! What an insult!

Moving on to Mistake #3: I dated this guy on and off for almost three years. We actually lived together for an entire month towards the end of those three years. Why just four weeks you ask? Well I went to Florida for two weeks on business and while I was away apparently someone was taking care of business. I get home, go to unpack and find a sticky note on our bed that read,

“Hope you got home safe. While you were gone I got engaged. Please be happy for me. BTW she’s a stripper, just laying it all out on the table so you’re not shocked when you hear it from people.”

Take Care.

Sincerely,

Mistake #2

The first thing I thought was, “Thank god! He’s not gay!” Then I wished genital herpes on him while leaving him a sticky note telling him I was pregnant with twins. Hey, if you’re going to  shock me with a note saying you got engaged to a where I’m going to retaliate with something way better and more shocking. It worked because he called me crying for about two weeks, thinking his life was over. It was fabulous! I was forced to fess up  once his mother got involved. Awkward! She wasn’t too happy about the joke. Now every time I see her around the neighborhood I get a look of disgust and a shake of her head. She could still be mad at me or maybe she’s just upset that she’s still not a grandmother because her son likes to date whores.

Fast forward to Mistake #4: After being dumped for a stripper I did what any woman fake pregnant with twins would do.. I moved out and  found a new apartment within days. I wound up living downstairs from a newly divorced man, who was just as desperate as me because he hounded me for a date for a date for a few months and 1 month after I agreed he proposed. I said yes because he had amazing dental benefits and I really needed a root canal so we went over to city hall and got married, I got my root canal & he got a wife eleven years younger than him.  That marriage failed when he decided to bring another person into the bedroom, his ex wife, well sort of. My brilliant ex husband decided to go out on a limb and start saying his ex wife’s name, along with mine, during sex. Either he was completely delusional or he grew a pair of balls bigger than any elephant’s I’ve ever seen. It didn’t matter… I was out of there! A few month’s after the marriage failed the root canal failed as well.

At this point I was a fag hag who attracted name droppers that loved strippers. I was at an all time low in the love department and needed another root canal. So what would any respectable gal do that’s been thrown through the relationship ringer? I joined Match.com and paid $29.99 to meet:

Mistake #5: The Plaid Wearing Teacher

He seemed amazing at first. We liked the same music, he only said my name during sex AND strippers repulsed him. I even took a peek into his computer see what he looked up on the Internet and judging by his search history I was able to tell that he definitely WAS NOT gay and in fact liked older women with large breasts. I had hit the boyfriend jackpot! Then the middle of the relationship slowly approached………….

All of a sudden Mistake #5′s wardrobe had become nothing but plaid. I felt like I was dating a human tablecloth.

All I did was bitch and complain to him on a daily basis about him leaving every cabinet door open or throwing crumpled paper towels on the floor  and instead of searching for porn he was Googling: easiest way to end a relationship and apartments for rent. We had actually skipped the expected middle part of the relationship and jumped right to “You Disgust Me beyond Belief” portion of the relationship. We were like two seasoned veterans when it came to sabotaging a relationship and it wasn’t going to stop there. We were approaching the four year mark with all the time invested some one wasn’t coming out alive. I wound up with adult acne from stress and his hair started to fall out in clumps for the same reason. After an intense stand off at a friend’s wedding the two of us mutually decided that  it was time to end the torture. If I wanted  a clear complexion and he wanted the random bald spots on his head to re grow hair this would be the only way to make those two things happen. So we parted ways. Not far though because he moved upstairs to the attic because neither one of us could afford to live in the house alone.

It’s been a few months and it’s going pretty well. I’m dating now while Mistake #5 clearly stated that after me he will NEVER be in another relationship again (I guess I’m THAT amazing). He no longer wears plaid, has a full head of hair and seems happier than ever. My adult acne has since cleared up and I have my bed all to myself. We should have been platonic roommates from the beginning to spare ourselves from plaid fashion faux pas and annoying stress related medical conditions. Like Kenny Rogers once said, “You Gotta Know When To Hold Them, Know When To Fold’ Em…Know When To Walk Away…Know When To Run.”

I was ever into running but I do love Kenny Rogers.

I know all of this sounds SOOOO Glamorous to you and you’re all wondering how you too can be as successful as me when it comes to relationships, but bottom line is…You Can’t! I’m a professional children and falling for gay men, Italian imposters, stripper lovers or plaid wearing relationship haters is not fun (unless of course you want to land a spot on Jerry Springer). So take Kenny Rogers advice and remember to “Know when to walk away…know when to run!”