I don’t know if you’ve heard (if you haven’t you must live under a rock) but I’m pretty famous now (in my twisted mind and my mind only). That ridiculous hot dog suit I’ve been wearing for the past two years has finally paid off (not with money though) and has put my name out there in the media world (hasn’t benefited me at all just makes me look crazy). The photo I have of me, dressed as a giant frankfurter, standing with Anthony Weiner has made it to Gawker.com, PerezHilton.com, Elvis Duran’s morning show AND was featured on the celebrity gossip television show EXTRA.

Wiener vs Weiner on EXTRA

It’s pretty safe to say that I’m BIG TIME now (in my own little messed up world). Not to worry though, my narcissism is at the same level it was before becoming a star, high.

Now that I think I’m BIG TIME I have had a few people stop to ask me, “Where did your nickname The Von come from?” People want to know the real me. They want to know my hopes, my dreams, my mental stability considering I own a giant hot dog costume along with several other food related dress up outfits at the age of thirty-one. While I can’t answer the last three questions with dignity, I can answer where I got my nickname from. I must warn you, it’s a pretty lame story but it happened to lead me into the cyber arms of some one I consider to be my soul mate (he just doesn’t know it).

About a year and a half ago I was having a melt down. Was stuck in the same dead end career for the past twelve years, didn’t finish college, money was tight, I tried to dye my own hair and wound up looking like Ronald McDonald (but cuter). I was a hot mess. Then I thought of it! The one thing I could do to make my crappy life turn around. I could change my name to make myself sound rich and then maybe I would become rich (no I’m not kidding. I really believed this at thirty years old). I started thinking how everyone I have ever known with VON in there last name has been extremely successful.
The Von Trapp family, Walther von der Vogelweide, Deeta Von Teese….all successful Vons.

The Von Trapp Family

I needed to be a VON too! So I did what any certifiable lunatic without a college degree would do. I changed my name on Facebook to Jennifer Von Remauro. The change made me feel better already! It took a while for people to notice my new identity. In fact old classmates that I had gone to school with for most of my adolescent life were referring to me as Jennifer Von Remauro without realizing that wasn’t really my last name (which goes to show how important I really was to them growing up).  A few months later I  started a personal blog The House of Von with hopes that it would make me rich. It didn’t. Not only was having VON in my name NOT making me rich, it was actually costing me money because I had to pay for my blog’s domain and web hosting. My plan wasn’t working. Could it be that I was delusional?  Did I have to be born into the name for it to work? What was the secret of VON? I had so many questions and so few answers. I felt like more of a loser than the time I finally got my first pair of Nike Air Pumps only to find out the only people left wearing them were the ones that got them out of the clothing bins in the supermarket parking lot. So what did I do to try and make myself feel a little better? I started Googling people with the last name VON with hopes I would find one that was as big a loser as me. I found that person.

Meet….Von Von Von

My Soul Mate

Not only is this gentleman as unsuccessful as me, he’s also what appears to be delusional (like me). In his bio he claims to be a dynamic recording artist from the South Side of Antwerp. I honestly think he’s just a faux fur wearing creep that has made a few music videos in his parent’s basement.

I FRIGGEN LOVE IT! I started to wonder if this was my long lost brother. I asked my dad if he had ever vacationed in Germany and possibly knocked up a St.Pauli Girl… He said no. I then decided to take my new obsession one step further and emailed this lunatic directly.

Unfortunately I can not find the original emails between the two of us where we chatted about meeting up in NYC in Spring 2011 but I did find the newest conversation that transpired over email:

 

Date: Fri, 13 May 2011 14:33:13 -0400
Subject: NYC
From: houseofvon@gmail.com
To: von@vonvonvon.com

Hey Von Von Von

Are you still coming to NYC soon? Let me know…I owe you a drink and would like to possibly set something up with a site I write for to get you some publicity. Let me know.

xoxo

The Von

 

My soul mate’s reply:

HI Von,

nice to hear from you. how’s all in your voniverse?
I have relocated to bangkok, and don’t have plans to pass thru NYC on the horizon.
but if you’d like to do an “interview from exile with Von Von Von”, just send some soft hitting questions.

faux real,
VvV

Von Von Von

Just by reading his reply you can clearly see what I’m dealing with and why I’m so intrigued. If the two of us joined forces not only would we  still be unsuccessful, we’d probably get arrested for being so ridiculous and dumb. It’s a chance I’m willing to take. I’m not sure how I can make this happen considering he now lives in Bangkok and I can’t even afford to fly to Florida but mark my non-college degree holding word that one day I will get my delusional butt to Thailand and that’s when the magic that won’t make us rich will happen. Either that or we will have a bunch of Von Babies and live happily ever after.