PLEASE NOTE: No names have been changed to protect the parties’ privacy.

If you have a private Facebook account AND an arch nemesis in life you’ve probably gotten a “friend request” at one time or another by a person that just didn’t seem “kosher.” Ninety-nine percent of the time  I can almost guarantee that the person friending you, of which you have no idea who they are, is most likely that one person you have tried to rid your life of but like a bad case of herpes they keep coming back.

I have two arch nemesis’ in life. Both are complete  jerks who have lots of time on their hands to friend me with fake Facebook profiles. I actually fell prey to one of them last year when on of them pulled the wool over my eyes and got me to accept a friend request from a hot guy named Vinny whose  profile picture was of him modeling a tight pair of boxer briefs.

Would You Accept A Friend Request From Him?

I was in heat that week so of course I accepted without even questioning. After drooling over his half naked pics and exchanging a few flirty Facebook messages I began to realize that I wasn’t dealing with, “Hot Vinny the Underwear Model,” I was dealing with “Crazy Karen the Psycho Ex Friend.” Not only had I been had but after calling her out she made fun of my Rod Stewart hair cut and the 30lbs I had   packed on since I had last seen her.    

I was furious for falling victim to a fake Facebook profile and realized that having short hair while being chubby probably wasn’t the best look for me. I quickly blocked “Hot Vinny the Underwear Model aka “Crazy Karen the Psycho Ex Friend” and intend on never accepting a friend request again unless of course I personally know the person and if I do they must be prepared to answer some background check questions just so I can make sure.

I have been  in the clear of any stalker shenanigans up until yesterday. When I logged onto Facebook I received the strangest friend request from a man by the name of Boris Jelinek of the U.K. I looked at Boris’ page and he had no friends, no photos and no wall posts. Since I had an absolute ton of work to do at my job I decided to do what any great employee would do which was try and find out who Boris Jelinek was and this is what I got:

 Jen Remauro: Cousin Boris!??

Boris Jelinek: Erm … I don’t think so … FB suggested we should be friends so I thought … “okay”

Jen Remauro: sorry……I already have a freind in the UK…

Boris Jelinek: can’t you have more than one?

Jen Remauro: no

Jen Remauro: if that person cancels their Facebook you will be the first one I friend in the UK

Boris Jelinek: damn and I had a space for an arrogant, rude American … oh well need to keep looking ;-P

Jen Remauro: do you have an accent?

Boris Jelinek: yes a Scottish one …. you?

Jen Remauro: an African American one

Boris Jelinek: super … with a hint of NY?

Jen Remauro: no, Utah

Boris Jelinek: so why does it say NY on your profile?

Jen Remauro: I live in NY but have the accent of an African American that lives in Utah.

Boris Jelinek: I have no idea what that would sound like … you will need to send me a recording one day

Jen Remauro: I think I picked it up from watching way too much of The Bronze Buckaroo

and Harlem Rides The Range when I was a kid

Boris Jelinek: lol … I didn’t wish to ask, but I didn’t think you looked very African American

Jen Remauro: I’m not.

Boris Jelinek: so what do you do when you aren’t watching tele or conversing with your one British friend?

Jen Remauro: I’m a Cat Food Quality Controller..you?

Boris Jelinek: IT Consultant

are cats really that fussy that they need a QT for their food?

QC I meant

Jen Remauro: Yes. They are very picky.

You can’t imagine what happens if a bad batch of salmon gets mixed into their food.

**”Boris” never replied after that which kind of made me sad because I was having so much fun. The funniest thing about this whole situation is that “Boris” actually found that one friend I have on Facebook from the U.K. (which I didn’t even really think I had) and friended her! So the moral of the story is that most chicks are crazy (and sneaky) and you should definitely make people submit their DNA testing results before allowing them to be your friend on Facebook.