Many of you already know (from my multiple whining Facebook status updates) that I some how (maybe during “adult activities”) hurt my back last week and haven’t been able to function properly. I had been self medicating myself with expired muscle relaxers (that I found in an old pocketbook)  and Bengay for the first four days but the pain only got worse so I decided to be a responsible adult and take a field trip to the emergency room (any excuse to get to leave work).

When I got there I only had to wait about five minutes until the murse (male nurse) called me into the pre-examination room to take my vitals.

He asked me what brought me there and I told him I was having severe back pain. I went on to tell him I couldn’t move my neck and I felt constant throbbing and pain. He wrote it all down and sent me into the examination room to wait for the doctor. About twenty minutes later an older Asian man walked in and introduced himself as Dr.Cheng (this is where my aggravation started). As he held my chart in his hand and began reading it, he asked me the exact same questions that the murse asked me twenty minutes before. I told him I was having severe back pain that I definitely thought I pulled a muscle. He nodded and asked me if I have a history of asthma. I told him no. Then he asked me if I had a fever and I asked him what my chart revealed since the murse took my temperature when I arrived. I could see the conversation was going nowhere. As soon as I started to lose faith in the American Healthcare System it got even worse! Moments after I told him all of my symptoms he went over to his computer and started entering them into Web MD! I couldn’t believe my eyes. This man wasn’t a resident, he was a real deal doctor and ASIAN! I thought to myself, “Aren’t Asians supposed to be smarter than us? Why is he using Web MD?!”

After a few seconds my “assessment” came back. He looked at me and said, “I send you downstairs for chest x-ray. You may have pneumonia.” In which I replied, “I do not have pneumonia, I have a back injury.” Apparently doctors believe Web MD over their patients because moments later I was being sent downstairs to the x-ray lab to have pictures taken of my chest so that Dr.Cheng could see the pneumonia I didn’t have.

When I got to  the x-lab my aggravation level was at about a nine. It rose to a twelve about five minutes after that because of the amazing administrative staff the hospital had on payroll. I handed the woman behind the desk my referral from the “Mr.Web MD” and she pointed to a row of chairs and told me to have a seat. She began to type my information into the system but that came to a halt when a woman came out from the back with a large manilla folder in her hands and handed it to the girl that was typing my info into the system. It looked pretty important and official. The woman stopped typing, put my paperwork to the side and opened up the envelope. I sat there wondering what was so important that she had to put me on the back burner. What she pulled out of that top secret manilla packet was about thirty god damn restaurant menus! She then proceeded to sprawl them out on top of her computer keyboard. Not only had I become irate but looking at those menus had made me hungry!

The x-ray technician poked her head out twice looking for the next victim (I mean patient’s) chart. But there were no charts to be had  because the idiot who was in charge of getting the information to the technician was too busy trying to figure out if she should get a roast beef sandwich or chicken Marsala for lunch! At that point me and my imaginary pneumonia had had it so I got up, walked over to the desk and told her I had an appointment with my probation officer in an hour so to to please hurry things up. My plan to make her nervous and confused worked because she quickly cleared off her desk and finished entering all of my information. I had my unnecessary chest x-rays taken and went on my merry way back upstairs to Dr.Dumb.

When I settled back in the room the “doctor” came back in with a smile on his stupid face. He looked at me and said, “Oh, you no have pneumonia. Chest x-ray come back all clear.” “SHOCKING,” I replied. “I told you I think I pulled a muscle in my back.” He looked at me, nodded and then handed me a prescription for unexpired muscle relaxers. When I asked him if I should maybe have an MRI done of my back since I couldn’t even move my head without almost crying he nodded and said, “Yes, yes. You go to primary care physician and maybe physical therapy.”  Clearly there was a lack of communication between the two of us. I thought I was at the hospital and NOT at my primary care physician because the ER had the proper machinery to pin point what exactly was wrong with me! At that point my aggravation level was at five-hundred and my face was beet red! Not only was the doctor a moron but so was Web MD in my eyes AND I was starving because of the “menu episode” downstairs in the x-ray lab. I thanked the doctor for nothing and told him that it probably isn’t the best idea to consult with Web MD when assessing patients, especially when the patient can see you doing it! Again, he smiled and nodded. Clearly the man had no idea what I was saying.

When I got home I wrote a letter to the President Obama.

In that letter were some suggestions on how he can better his country. One suggestion was in order to get a job in AMERICA you must take a written test (in ENGLISH) which is to be answered in essay form. Every word and sentence must be legible and make total sense otherwise you get shipped back to your country. I also told him that I think Universal Health Care is a splendid idea considering my doctor had to use Web MD to figure out why my back hurt. I ended the letter by telling him I don’t believe foreigners should be able to get a FREE college education while people like me are still paying off their student loans! I then told asked him to please make sure Jersey Shore never gets taken off the air.

I’m probably going to be investigated for potential racism but it’s a chance I’m willing to take for my fellow English speaking Americans! We need to speak up to make sure our country shapes up!

Hallelujah and Amen! I’m done with my rant…you can all go on with your lives now. Thanks for listening.