Have you ever waited anxiously for the love of your life to pick you up to go on a romantic date? You look in the mirror, check your hair, peek through the blinds to see if they pulled up yet, check yourself in the mirror AGAIN then pace around some more? Not since you were seventeen? Well since I’m a thirty-one year old loser that is exactly what I did this past Friday night while waiting for the love of MY life…… SOUL Joel Richardson.

The Love Of My Life

I was so excited to go out that I must have peeked through my bedroom blinds at least four times. On the fourth peek, instead of seeing nothing,I saw a giant white Escalade pull up and a little man dressed like a Guido jump out. The tiny man looked around and started to walk directly across from my house into the peninsula of trees and bushes as a look of sneakiness took over his orangey tanned face.

I was intrigued. Before he completely descended into the oasis of green shrubbery and deer ticks I noticed a white box in his left hand. I became intrigued while forgetting all about my date and the anticipation I had just minutes before. Was he hiding money? Maybe it was pirate jewels or a thousand free ice cream cone gift certificates to McDonalds. The possibilities were endless. Then I thought that maybe it was a box of illegal drugs or a murder weapon so I quickly ran downstairs to get a closer look of his truck so that I could write down his license plate just in case.

As I peered through the living room window trying to glance at the plate on the truck something unexpected happened…the man caught me looking! The mysterious Guido had spotted me! I quickly ducked but it was too late! My heart started to race and my palms got all sweaty. I ran for my life up the stairs and  into my bedroom  slamming the door behind me. I’d been had! Just then my cell phone rang. It was SOUL Joel. I was so happy to hear his voice as I began telling him why my life was now in danger and why I may have to go into witness protection. Soul sounded confused so I crept up to the window and looked out with one eye and saw the truck still running with no little man anywhere in site. I suddenly gained some courage and reported back to Joel that I would be right down and to just be ready in case he had to defend me. No one was was going to get in the way of a romantic date at the bar with my man!

As made my way to the front door I could feel my hands trembling. Even if I got away who is to say this forest creeping freak won’t be waiting for me when I get home? I was dead, I knew it but I made my way outside and after I slammed the door behind me I noticed my neighbor (who happens to be a cop) and his wife standing outside right in front of my house! I quickly ran over to the wife  and whispered, “Did you see that?” The wife turned to me and said, “I did!” “What are we going to do about it?”, was my next question in which she replied, “I don’t know. I’ve never seen a turkey run past our house before.” HUH? It was apparent that my neighbor witnessed something totally different than I did. While I was witnessing criminal acts take place, she was watching a giant turkey run past my house. Amazing!

I informed the neighbors that I didn’t see the turkey but I did see a man with a white box go into the bushes across the street. We all stood there glancing at the wooded peninsula. At that point SOUL had come out of his car and had no idea what was going on. Then it happened! The little man descended from the woods. He wasn’t mad though. In fact he was smiling. The four of us looked at each other puzzled as forest creeper hopped back into his over sized vehicle and drove away. “He definitely buried something!”, I exclaimed. Then I proceeded to walk across to the grassy area to see exactly what it was. My cop neighbor and brave boyfriend followed. We were chancing getting Lyme’s Disease but it was what had to be done to keep our community safe! You have to be a hero at some point n your life, I thought.

We searched the area high and low but found nothing. I knew I would be haunted forever wondering what was in that white box. I walked back across to the front of my house when my cop neighbor stuck his head out of the wooded area and yelled, “I found out what was in the box!” Just when I was about to lose all hope cop neighbor cracked the case! “What is it? Drugs, a gun, drugs…tell me, tell me!”, I exclaimed.

“Well judging by the pile of human crap on the ground I’m going to taking a wild guess that the white box was baby wipes,” cop neighbor said.

That Escalade driving Guido took a god damn crap in front of my house in broad daylight and made me thing I was about to have a hit on me because I saw him burying something illegal! WTF!?

At this point Joel was aggravated and hungry and with the roll of his eyes, turned to me and said, “Okay, case solved! Now get in the car Inspector Gadget.”

My minutes of possibly having to go into witness protection were over. I let out a sigh of relief and got in the car to start my date night off with the love of my life. Mark my word though, I WILL be hunting down that turkey for Thanksgiving dinner this year.