Baby Von

You didn’t ask for it but I brought it back due to my severe laziness and frequent re occurrence of writer’s block. I had some interesting questions submitted via email last week for Dear Von: Part Tre. There were questions about “hood rat stuff” and men and their cars. I even had a few  questions that you won’t be reading due to inappropriate content that I don’t even know the answers to.

All in all your questions ROCKED and I’m happy to have had the chance to answer them and offer my amazing advice. So sit back, relax and enjoy the third part to my not so anticipated Dear Von blog.

Let the questions begin!

Why is Megan Fox so overrated? – Rich P

Whore

It’s not that Megan Fox is overrated, it’s that she’s a whore.  Men secretly love whores and since she’s hot women seem to fantasize about her as well. She has no talent and a horrible tattoo of Marilyn Monroe on her forearm not to mention she’s married to Brian Austin Green. You have to be pretty desperate to marry David from Beverly Hills 90210. The only one more annoying  than him on that show is Ian Ziering and his mullet.

Nice Mullet

If you think you’re THAT hot go after Luke Perry or Jason Priestley. You can even take it to the next level of hotness and go after the guy that played Noah on the show. What a delicious piece of meat he is. Yummmmm…now I’m totally riled up. Anyway, getting back to Megan Fox being a whore, I guarantee you she will be off the radar in five years or less due to her lack of talent OR she’ll have some Brian Austin Green babies and get really fat and grow a few extra chins and then you’ll write me asking:

What happened to Megan Fox? She used to be so hot.

Then I’ll have to explain pregnancy and how it messes up every square inch of your once perfect body. I’ll then go on to explain that all you get out of birthing a life is years of spending money and being bossed around by something you pushed out of your vagina. I’m getting worked up just thinking about it.

Why is it that when a man lifts the hood of a car to do work on the engine, all the other neighborhood men gather around him?

Is an open hood like the Bat Light or are they all waiting there hoping that the hood will collapse on his head? - Leticia R

Men are simple creatures. It doesn’t take much to distract them or interest them. I’ve noticed that boobs, beer, hamburgers and cars are the most popular things that men gravitate to when they appear in their sight.

Either that or there is a video screen with porn being played under all car hoods. I’ve never actually lifted up a hood and looked in so there is a possibility that my theory is true.

Why are dudes that bang lots of chicks players are women that do it are considered hoes? – Andrew G

That’s a great question that I really don’t have a solid answer for. All I know is if a guy slept with the entire LA Lakers cheer leading squad he would be presented with Player of the Year award but if I decided to sleep the entire LA Lakers basketball team my photo and name would be plastered all over the internet labeled Hoe of the Year. Perez Hilton would even put my photo up on his site and draw one of those penises by my mouth like he does to all the people he hates. It would be a huge mess.

Listen, if a woman wants to be a hoe let her be a hoe! It’s nobody’s business but her own if she wants to chance getting a bad case of genital herpes or The Clap. People should mind their business and focus on more important things like the fact that someone keeps giving Paris Hilton her own T.V. show!

Why do I like to do hood rat stuff? – Matt O

How the hell should I know?! I don’t know you and I certainly don’t know why you like doing “hood rat stuff. ” Maybe your mother was having group sex, while high on weed, at a house party when she conceived you. Then she went on Maury to find out who the baby daddy is but all three prospects came back negative. All that hood rat stuff may have rubbed off on you like a disease and now all you want to do is hang out in front of Bodegas with a Crazy Horse 40 oz while playing dice and listening to West coast rap music.

Catching Hoodratism is extremely easy, as it’s one of the most contagious diseases in the projects. Protect yourself, Boo! Start listening to Barry Manilow or something. Nobody says, “I want to do “hood rat stuff” when I grow up!”

So there you have it! I hope I was able to answer your questions with the utmost knowledge and compassion and I hope you feel THAT much smarter now that you have my words of wisdom embedded in your brain.

Til’ next time…………

Toodles!

The Von