@dariennelake Darienne Lake
“going to McDonalds for a salad is like going to a whorehouse for a hug”

@natebargatze Nate Bargatze
I just poured my heart into a response to a Happy Thanksgiving text before I realized everyone got the same mass text.

@AaronFullerton Aaron Fullerton
Please sign my petition to make Rob Reiner plant a tree for every star he made act in New Year’s Eve.

@EliBraden Eli Braden
If there are 2 people in your avatar pic you’re the less attractive one

@ddogfilm ddogfilm
when i see typos i always look at the leters on the keyboard and see how far apart they are from each ofher, then silently judge you.

@smelbz Shelby
The worst part of going on a date with a guy I don’t like is how my grandma always dies before our food gets there.

@lianamaeby Liana Maeby
All tattoos are reminder tattoos if you sometimes forget how incredibly cool you are.

@SarahThyre Sarah Thyre
The best way to bond with your spouse is to invite relatives to visit so you can hate them together.

@andylevy Andy Levy
I would like to thank all the delivery people who are making my “never leave the apartment Sunday” possible.