My Cougar Hunter Poem

2012-05-01T20:05:14Z

Let The Beatings Continue

2012-02-22T20:50:45Z

Deep Thoughts

2012-01-30T19:53:17Z

Listen To Me On LA Talk Radio!

2012-01-24T19:19:08Z

Deep Thoughts

2012-01-23T16:41:00Z

It’s happened to all of us. Saying the wrong thing at the wrong time, embarrassing yourself to the highest caliber. We have all been in embarrassing situations where we feel like we will never regain our dignity or self respect. I’m about to revisit some of my most embarrassing mishaps so that I can share them with you and make you happy that you’re not me. Sit back, relax and try not to judge as I reveal to you……

The Von’s Top 10 Most Embarrassing Moments

10. The Tampon in the Church

I must have been about 15 and the only reason I was in church was because of a death or a wedding (I can’t remember). I was rummaging through my bag out of sheer boredom, hoping to find a Snickers bar or something to distract me for the next 45 minutes. Then all of a sudden, a glistening ray shined through and caught my eye. It was a Hershey’s Kiss! As I went to move everything off of it my little brother knocked my arm and contents of my bag went flying into the aisle. The entire church turned silent and immediately looked my way. My lipstick, compact and a few other things were laying on the aisle waiting to be picked up. I quickly ran over to start collecting my belongings when all of a sudden the boy I had a huge crush on for almost three years walked over to me with what looked like a giant highlighter in his hand. He passed it to me and smirked as he gently placed it in my hand. What he handed me was no highlighter, it was a super plus tampon. It too had escaped my bag and made it’s way onto the floor and now the boy I was crushing on knew I had a heavy flow and was currently surfing the crimson wave.

9. Hot Guys and Rugs

I was about nineteen and working in a home design store. There had been a guy in his late twenties that had been coming in to buy some stuff for his house and he was definitely good looking. The only thing that was throwing me off was his hair. It looked like a toupee but I wasn’t 100% sure.

New Years Resolutions..They’re Dumb.

2012-01-03T16:42:00Z

We all make them and we all break them. Those empty promises you make your pitiful self as the current year winds down to an end and a new year full of endless possibility (that you’ll probably manage to not take advantage of) begins. To me, making a New Years resolution is stupider than believing that Casey Anthony is fit to watch your child. Why wait until the very last day of the year to decide that you’re going to become a better person on the next calendar day? Why convince yourself that starting January 1st you will start to lose weight as you sit there pondering the idea of a healthy body while double fisting Doritos into your mouth on December 31st?

Why aren’t these decisions made during all of the other 364 days of the year? Anyone who makes a New Years resolution is lying to themselves and completely lazy in my eyes.

Take me for example: On June 17, 2011 I decided to be nicer person so that more people would like me. Sure that meant drinking heavily to alter my daily mood but it was a life decision I made to better myself and I didn’t wait until New Years Eve to make it.

On September 22, 2011 I made a pact to start doing laundry every other day so that I didn’t run out of clean underwear, being forced to wear bathing suit bottoms in their place.

November 2, 2011 one out of the two hermit crabs my son keeps as pets passed away. Instead of telling him it died and having him cry and be sad I decided to leave it in the cage until the day comes that my son realizes it’s dead. I made a promise to myself to make sure I moved the crab around the tank at least twice a day so that there will be no hysterics because my son realizes it has been sitting in the exact same spot for days. That takes a lot of time and dedication on my part but it is something I am willing to do so that my child stays happy.

December 23, 2011 (my last life resolution of the year) was to stop thinking I am amazing and realize that I too have flaws (minor flaws but flaws). Even though I was nicer to people while wearing clean underwear and having a happy child there were things about me that could always continue to be fixed. Sure I may be the life of the party (because I am always drunk so that I stay nicer to the people that surround me ) and sure I make the best instant oatmeal anyone’s ever tasted but these things aren’t important to everyone. As we grow as people we need to continually work on ourselves so that we can experience all the new things life has to offer, like 4G networks and 3D television.

What I’m trying to say is stop procrastinating and waiting until the very last day to make changes! Love yourself enough to want to improve your life on a daily basis. If you’re sick of mopping the floors at McDonalds ask the manager if you can move up the chain to become operator of the microwave. If your significant other is sick of eating Hot Pockets every night for dinner because you’re too lazy to cook for him/her then order Chinese and if you just don’t love yourself enough to make changes, try setting up a Twitter account with hopes of gaining attention from strangers to make yourself feel more important and hopefully putting you on the right track.

Top 10 Shameless Twitter Accounts to Follow in 2011

2011-12-23T18:57:00Z

As most of you already know I spend 43 hours of my 48 hour work week messing around on Twitter looking for attention from complete strangers to help fill the void from my childhood years. Throughout 2011 I have grown to love many Twitter accounts, most of which have no clue I even exist. The people behind these accounts are raunchy, funny and downright ridiculous, making me want to dry hump each and every single one of them. But there are only ten that have really won over my blackened heart with their inappropriate Tweets and scandalous ways. These Tweeters are the ones that aren’t afraid to say they want to kick a toddler in the kneecap or that they want to motorboat you when their wives aren’t looking. These people have no shame and are willing to say everything you’ve ever thought about in your sick and twisted heads but never had the balls to say it. They are…….

Top 10 Shameless Twitter Accounts to Follow in 2011

Please Note: If your Twitter account is listed below please do not think you’ve won anything. The only thing you’re getting out of this is the knowledge that I’ve obviously been stalking you on an hourly basis. Thank you and Happy Holidays.

10- albertina rizzo @albz

I’m a writer and so-so at having goals. Super casual, you guys.

http://hialbertina.tumblr.com/

9- Stephanie @Smethanie

The Zooey Deschanel of bologna.

I’m the girl everyone shakes their head at and asks:

What’s wrong with you?

http://smethanie.com

8- mark normand @marknorm NYC

My name’s Mark. No STDs!

http://marknormandcomedy.com

7- Jim Norton @JimNorton

John Wayne Gacy’s basement

This is my Twitter account.

There are many like it, but this one is mine.

6-kelly oxford @kellyoxford

Designed to make you feel like everything is going well.

I am your Perestroika.

http://kellyoxford.tumblr.com/

5- Mary Charlene @IamEnidColeslaw Chicago-ish

Amanda Knox won’t return any of my calls and I’m super upset about it.

http://favstar.fm/users/iamenidcoleslaw

4- Rose Surnow @rosesurnow Brooklyn

I’m a comic and a writer. Dig it.

The Von’s Top 10 Tweets of The Week

2011-12-20T16:30:00Z

Since I've become become the head of booking on The Comedy Point, I've become very active on Twitter. (Follow me @TheHouseofVon) I've suggested The Comedy Point read the Top 10 Tweets of The Week LIVE every Tuesday 5 to 8pm! Think your Tweet is Top 10 worthy? Get @TheHouseofVon‘s attention or Tweet @TheComedyPoint.

Top 10 Tweets 12/20/2011
@k9leavings Harold Busch
Tomorrow’s the shortest day of the year, except for people who have kids for whom every day is the longest day of the year.

@UNTRESOR Brandon Guttermouth
Tribal tattoos are a good way of advertising which type of frog paralytic you like to put on the tips of your date rape darts.

@JennyJohnsonHi5 Jenny Johnson
Sending someone a Xmas salami stick is a cute way of saying, “I think you’re a filthy garbage person who’d eat meat out of their mailbox.”

@lunchyprices Heather Kay
Great job glancing in my cart and drawing a line on my receipt, Costco worker!

@lenadunham Lena Dunham
Spent spin class imagining myself as surrogate for this striking gay couple but turned out they were str8 dudes who didn’t know each other:(

@EliBraden Eli Braden
I bring home the bacon in my family (I buy it at the store with the money my wife makes)

@lazerdoov Dan Duvall
I can’t prove God isn’t real, but at the same time, I can’t prove that my dog doesn’t run a violent Asian street gang while I’m asleep.

@bdbdleeroybrown Bad Bad Leeroy Brown
Alcohol is like real life photoshop for ugly people.

@JeffKlinger Jeff Klinger
Hey, people with ugly faces, you can stop exercising now.

@McBonerpants78 Mark Hamer78
You perverted Women and your shake weights

The Von’s Top 10 Tweets of The Week

2011-12-13T11:53:00Z

Top 10 Tweets 12/13/2011

@AdamHammer Adam Hammer
The only sound sweeter than a child’s laughter is the Saturday morning silence in a home with no kids.

@LeviathanPride LP
I’m throwing my poo at seagulls because I think it’s time we fought back.

@trevso_electric Trevor S
It’s so cute how toddlers pronounce certain words! Today my 5yo asked if my cocaine connection is my “jug dealer.”

@WhitneyCummings Whitney Cummings
Stop trying to make the catchphrase you have for yourself happen with your email signature

@paulrust Paul Rust
How can I be expected to water a plant? I can’t even raise my child!

@aliwong3000 Ali Wong
I know I’m getting old b/c owning a pool doesn’t seem fun, it seems like liability.

@emilymayamills Emily Maya Mills
Not sure if it’s the rain that’s making my tote bag smell like a 4th grade backpack full of smashed bananas or if it’s just who I am.

@AnaGasteyer Ana Gasteyer
Online shopping is so much easier except for the eyestrain and the multiple hours spent ignoring your children in plain sight.

@MarylandMudflap Scotty L.
I thought I was feeling depressed. Then I saw a book titled “Fun Recipes for the Single Vegan” and realized that I’m walkin on sunshine.

@albz albertina rizzo
Got my parents Kindles for Christmas & uploaded all the angry letters I wrote after their divorce. Told them it was the latest Dean Koontz.

The Von’s Top 10 Tweets of The Week

2011-12-08T22:18:00Z

Top 10 Tweets 11/29/2011

@cornlog Hugh Jass
Fun Fact: Jews are biologically incapable of having Southern accents.

@realdonjamieson Don Jamieson
Madonna performing at Super Bowl. Cuz after 40 beers I’m always thinking “You know what would make this game even better? La Isla Bonita!

@Smethanie Stephanie
The worst thing about having amnesia must be feeling left out when everyone busts out with the Biggie lyrics at a party.

@JennyJohnsonHi5 Jenny Johnson
The number one cause of teenage pregnancy is sluts.

@nedroid Anthony
Hi, I’m Guy Fieri. I wear my sunglasses on the back of my head to block out the past which is always haunting me.

@bazecraze Alex Baze
I feel like I can’t go back downstairs now because my doorman already said “goodnight, Alex.” That’s normal, right?

@joshbeckdotnet Josh Beck
Some guys look for tramp stamps, but c-section scars are all the only indicators I need.

@donni Donni Saphire
Sometimes I lie awake at night wondering why Missy Elliott used to wear that garbage bag.

@NickBergmeister Nick Bergmeister
Hey, middle schoolers in McDonald’s: that guy you’re considering buying weed from is most definitely not “legit”.

@robdelaney rob delaney
I will buy pants at Radio Shack before I buy a CD at Starbucks.

The Von’s Top 10 Tweets of The Week

2011-11-30T18:50:00Z

Top 10 Tweets 11/29/2011

@KlassyFucker Klassy Fucker
People who buy liquor at 7:47am at CVS mean business.

@dariennelake Darienne Lake
“going to McDonalds for a salad is like going to a whorehouse for a hug”

@natebargatze Nate Bargatze
I just poured my heart into a response to a Happy Thanksgiving text before I realized everyone got the same mass text.

@AaronFullerton Aaron Fullerton
Please sign my petition to make Rob Reiner plant a tree for every star he made act in New Year’s Eve.

@EliBraden Eli Braden
If there are 2 people in your avatar pic you’re the less attractive one

@ddogfilm ddogfilm
when i see typos i always look at the leters on the keyboard and see how far apart they are from each ofher, then silently judge you.

@smelbz Shelby
The worst part of going on a date with a guy I don’t like is how my grandma always dies before our food gets there.

@lianamaeby Liana Maeby
All tattoos are reminder tattoos if you sometimes forget how incredibly cool you are.

@SarahThyre Sarah Thyre
The best way to bond with your spouse is to invite relatives to visit so you can hate them together.

@andylevy Andy Levy
I would like to thank all the delivery people who are making my “never leave the apartment Sunday” possible.

The Von’s Top 10 Tweets of The Week

2011-11-23T17:21:00Z

Top 10 Tweets 11/22/2011
@buck4itt Buck
There’s no way to accurately understand how much misery you are personally responsible for until you have a spouse to help you understand.

@LaurenGberg Lauren Greenberg
I don’t want a boyfriend, I just want my ex-boyfriend to think I have a boyfriend.

@juliussharpe Julius Sharpe
I’m only a good parent when my wife is looking.

DavidPressman David Pressman
Drunk, watching “The Five” on my DVR & waiting for UPS to deliver the season 1 DVD of Army Wives. Everything’s going really well over here.

@jenstatsky Jen Statsky
DIET TIP: If you only want to eat 1 slice of pizza, have one. Then have someone immediately shoot you in the neck with a tranquilizer dart!

@IamEnidColeslaw Mary Charlene
Tonight Jesus interrupted my prayers & said, “Kenny Chesney is such a turd.” Then I said, “Yeah Jesus, he totally is.”

@FSUSteve Eric Prydz
Toddlers should have twitter accounts since they think everything they say is important too.

@gwynthfair Cunning Linguist
If I had a dollar for every comedy central roast I watched today I’d have $4 and would still be failing at life.

@StellaRtwot Ella or Denise
Fact: The KKK invented the Snuggie.

@jakefogelnest Jake Fogelnest
RENT (with an option to buy). #jewishmusicals

The Von’s Top 10 Tweets of The Week

2011-11-15T12:46:00Z

Top 10 Tweets 11/15/2011

@Benny_Smalls Ben Small

Hey, women that change their profile to sonogram pictures! It’s only beautiful to you! Keep it to yourselves!

@DougBenson Doug Benson

Hey, if you’re drunk, now is probably a good time to go to iTunes and download everything I’ve ever done. #RegretsAreHealthy #ThanksDrunky

@kellyoxford kelly oxford

A sure sign that a woman’s Facebook profile picture isn’t pretty, is having 50 comments from other women telling them how pretty they look.

@pattonoswalt Patton Oswalt

Daughter just saw me in a tux & yelled, “Wanna wear a costume TOO!” then she took off her diaper & put on a pirate hat.

@MelleDoles Melle Doles Equis II

Always carry ear phones to drown out the whiny voices that come out of elderly people

@BradolphPittler Kelly K’Meowski™

If Kim Kardashian doesn’t want to look plus sized she should never wear flats….or her body.

@Petey_E Pete

If my wife ever finds sobriety, she’s bound to realize I’ve been lying to her about how good looking I am

@Chrsharbert bustermcthunderstick

If I were a bathroom tile salesman, my pitch would be “Think of how great this will look in the background of your social networking pics.”

@IGotsSmarts Steve M*******ski

If you’re going to be a ninja, NEVER wear corduroy!

@Coastiefish Matt Smith

Hey guys whose girlfriends wear those giant t-shirts as nightgowns, one day you’ll be married, and that shirt’s going to fit her.

The Von’s Top 10 Tweets of The Week

2011-11-15T12:46:00Z

Top 10 Tweets 11/15/2011

@Benny_Smalls Ben Small

Hey, women that change their profile to sonogram pictures! It’s only beautiful to you! Keep it to yourselves!

@DougBenson Doug Benson

Hey, if you’re drunk, now is probably a good time to go to iTunes and download everything I’ve ever done. #RegretsAreHealthy #ThanksDrunky

@kellyoxford kelly oxford

A sure sign that a woman’s Facebook profile picture isn’t pretty, is having 50 comments from other women telling them how pretty they look.

@pattonoswalt Patton Oswalt

Daughter just saw me in a tux & yelled, “Wanna wear a costume TOO!” then she took off her diaper & put on a pirate hat.

@MelleDoles Melle Doles Equis II

Always carry ear phones to drown out the whiny voices that come out of elderly people

@BradolphPittler Kelly K’Meowski™

If Kim Kardashian doesn’t want to look plus sized she should never wear flats….or her body.

@Petey_E Pete

If my wife ever finds sobriety, she’s bound to realize I’ve been lying to her about how good looking I am

@Chrsharbert bustermcthunderstick

If I were a bathroom tile salesman, my pitch would be “Think of how great this will look in the background of your social networking pics.”

@IGotsSmarts Steve M*******ski

If you’re going to be a ninja, NEVER wear corduroy!

@Coastiefish Matt Smith

Hey guys whose girlfriends wear those giant t-shirts as nightgowns, one day you’ll be married, and that shirt’s going to fit her.

The Von’s Top 10 Tweets of the Week

2011-11-09T17:44:00Z

Top 10 Tweets 11/8/11

@Gavin_McInnes Gavin McInnes
Daughter asked what government means so I go, “It’s an expensive store that sells Invisible crap and if you don’t buy it, you go to jail.”
6 Nov

@iamcolinquinn Colin Quinn
“I’m starting a young nittany lion wrestling club, Coach Paterno!” “oh, no, Jerry, I don’t think that’s a good idea.” #2005conversations
2 hours ago

@TheJWess Jeff Wesselschmidt
Dude next to me on subway is looking at naked pictures of his girlfriend. So am I.
20 hours ago

@shanecomedy shane mauss
My cat and I have a lot in common. For example, neither of us care about Micheal Jackson.
18 hours ago Favorite Retweet Reply

@GaryGulman Gary Gulman
When I was a kid I looked forward to The Olympics. Now, it just reminds me of how little I’ve accomplished in the last 4 years.
5 Nov

@GenitalTzo Eaton Kuntz
20 years ago today Magic Johnson lied about having AIDS.
7 Nov

@jessiestwats Jessie G.
2 year old in front of me is wearing gold stretchy hot pants- should I tell her they’re not doing her any favors?
4 Nov

@bryansafi Bryan Safi
Adults who eat those Peter Rabbit fruit snack pouches from Starbucks were for sure molested.
22 Oct

@louisvirtel Louis Virtel
“Where’s Waldo” is becoming a movie. I hope he gets lost in Hollywood so viewers can search the screen for original ideas.
22 hours ago

@Aimee_B_Loved Aimee B
Michelle Duggar is pregnant again? Forget Mexico. We should build a fence between her vag and the real world.

The Von’s Weekly Top 10 Tweets of The Week

2011-11-02T22:41:00Z

Top 10 Tweets 11/1/11

@MadeaSim Lil Dooky
#kimkmarriagewasshorter than the line of tricker treaters at Casey Anthony’s house
15 hours ago

@danecook Dane Cook
I wonder how many calories a women burns trying to avoid sex?
25 Oct Favorite Retweet Reply

@jimmyfallon jimmy fallon
Selena Gomez & Justin Bieber adopted a dog. Not to be outdone, Brad Pitt & Angelina Jolie adopted Selena Gomez & Justin Bieber. #FallonMono

@TheDilaudid Eriks Chase
My friend always tells the same stories over & over again… I thought she had alzheimer’s but realized she’s the re-gifter of reminiscing.

@PeteKavanagh Pete Kavanagh
somewhere a tailor is staring at a huge pile of epaulettes and aiguillettes and muttering “first Jackson, now Gadaffi. I’m ruined”

@MendelBJ Brandon Mendelson
This Christmas: Give your kids beatings, not iPads.
7 minutes ago

@DaniIsFUNNY Dani. Tosado
Auto correct always changes “I hope u get stolen by a van tonight I hate you” to “when are you coming home babe?” It really helps sometimes
30 Oct

@robdelaney rob delaney
I always cry at weddings. Because I’m sad that my Saturday is being ruined.
23 hours ago Favorite Retweet Reply

@JimmyShubert Jimmy Shubert
I went trick or treating in Silicon Valley and I got an Apple Computer with a razor blade in it!! UNBELIEVABLE!!!

@behindyourback passive aggressive
And then Young MC busted a move sooo hard he was never heard from again. The End.

The Von’s Top 10 Tweets of The Week

2011-10-27T17:43:00Z

Top 10 Tweets 10/25/2011

10- @IAmJoelWest Joel West
If you click your heels three times and say “Obamacare” they make you Canadian.

9-@therealrussellp Russell Peters
If this tweet gets sent, then BB is working again…. If not, ignore that u read this!

8- @friedmanjon Jon Friedman
It might help if Conrad Murray just started singing, “I’m sorry Ms. Jackson (oooh) I am for real.”

7- @BoweKnows Travis Bowe
Who the fuck are JD Power’s associates?
6- @trumpetcake Ted Travelstead
God forbid someone is ACTUALLY murdered at the “CSI: The Experience” interactive exhibit at the Times Square Discovery Museum, but what if?!

5- @ChrisComedy Chris Martin
The Iraq War is winding down but we’re still fighting in Afghan valleys deeper than the crevasses in Christiane Amanpour’s face.

4- @Frank_Liotti frank liotti
if i worked at a cold cut counter i’d slice ham and say would you like to try a piece? then i’d say catch! and toss the meat, like to a seal

3- @joannasloame Joanna Sloame
if you’re looking for a relationship, you should really date me. everyone i break up with gets a serious girlfriend in a matter of days.

2- @KingsRoc SlowKing
Are foursquare jokes still funny? Because I just checked into your wife’s vagina. I’m almost the mayor.

1- @SalVulcano Sal Vulcano
“You got it!” NOT, “You go tit!”. Too late. Sent. #lookinglikeajerkevenafteriexplainmyself

Top 10 Tweets of the Week

2011-10-21T18:34:00Z

1. @RobSprance Rob Sprance
I fully support the pink movement, but when is nut cancer going to get some love?

2. @TimDuffy Tim Duffy
I’m not really into things that work anyway. Thanks #BlackBerry.

3. @thedeskchicken thedeskchicken
Herman Cain has 999 problems but getting elected ain’t one.

4. @thedeskchicken thedeskchicken
Woke up and immediately regretted it. Now I know how women feel after sleeping with me.

5. @statusmessages
Facebook needs to change its “it’s complicated” status to “still banging my ex. #funny

6. @ShawneeeToots La Kwanda
MICHALE JACKSON’S SON GOT A HEAD LIKE A BAKED POTATO

7. @rosesurnow Rose Surnow
My dermatologist told me I have Rosaysha. “I have a new sassy black best friend!” “No, it’s a skin condition, you get red.” Booooo

8. @BIGMOMMAPRODS PATRICE ONEAL
I save these kinds of statements for one white person each calendar year. I Fuckin hope Tim Tebow dominates the NFL.

Dear Von: Part Tre

2011-10-10T20:48:00Z

Baby Von

You didn’t ask for it but I brought it back due to my severe laziness and frequent re occurrence of writer’s block. I had some interesting questions submitted via email last week for Dear Von: Part Tre. There were questions about “hood rat stuff” and men and their cars. I even had a few questions that you won’t be reading due to inappropriate content that I don’t even know the answers to.

All in all your questions ROCKED and I’m happy to have had the chance to answer them and offer my amazing advice. So sit back, relax and enjoy the third part to my not so anticipated Dear Von blog.

Let the questions begin!

Why is Megan Fox so overrated? – Rich P

Whore

It’s not that Megan Fox is overrated, it’s that she’s a whore. Men secretly love whores and since she’s hot women seem to fantasize about her as well. She has no talent and a horrible tattoo of Marilyn Monroe on her forearm not to mention she’s married to Brian Austin Green. You have to be pretty desperate to marry David from Beverly Hills 90210. The only one more annoying than him on that show is Ian Ziering and his mullet.

Nice Mullet

If you think you’re THAT hot go after Luke Perry or Jason Priestley. You can even take it to the next level of hotness and go after the guy that played Noah on the show. What a delicious piece of meat he is. Yummmmm…now I’m totally riled up. Anyway, getting back to Megan Fox being a whore, I guarantee you she will be off the radar in five years or less due to her lack of talent OR she’ll have some Brian Austin Green babies and get really fat and grow a few extra chins and then you’ll write me asking:

What happened to Megan Fox? She used to be so hot.

Then I’ll have to explain pregnancy and how it messes up every square inch of your once perfect body. I’ll then go on to explain that all you get out of birthing a life is years of spending money and being bossed around by something you pushed out of your vagina. I’m getting worked up just thinking about it.

I Heart The SPORK

2011-09-27T22:16:00Z

You have some chicken you’d like to eat for lunch and maybe some pudding for dessert? No problem! Soup & Salad? You only need one utensil!

I remember when I was in kindergarten………….

Kindergarten Von

…….the cafeteria lady gave me my tray of food and with her raspy cigarette infested voice looked at me and said, “Grab a spork, kid.” I had no clue what she was talking about. I actually thought that she was a bit insane. I stared blankly at the hair-netted beast causing her to point to a pile of clear plastic packages behind me. I turned around and grabbed one. There seemed to have been a defective spoon inside. As I went for a replacement I realized they were ALL defective! As I stood there wondering what was wrong the line monitor told me to move it and get to my seat. I obeyed.

At my seat I sat there, staring in awe at the plastic stick of wonder. It looked like a spoon but it has pointy things on the end like a fork. It was weird but glorious. So THIS was a spork?! That little old lady with the mustache and hair net wasn’t insane?! She knew exactly what she was talking about!

I ate my entire lunch that day with such excitement. I ate roasted potatoes, Salisbury steak AND apple sauce all with one utensil! It was a turning point in my life and I had the lunch lady to thank for it.

The Spork may have been invented in 1874 by Samuel W. Francis but in 1985 it made it’s debut into my life and has given me something to giggle about every time I hear the word… SPORK!

Disclaimer: The occurrences in this story are actual fact.

Turkey Poop

2011-09-21T17:13:00Z

Have you ever waited anxiously for the love of your life to pick you up to go on a romantic date? You look in the mirror, check your hair, peek through the blinds to see if they pulled up yet, check yourself in the mirror AGAIN then pace around some more? Not since you were seventeen? Well since I’m a thirty-one year old loser that is exactly what I did this past Friday night while waiting for the love of MY life…… SOUL Joel Richardson.

The Love Of My Life

I was so excited to go out that I must have peeked through my bedroom blinds at least four times. On the fourth peek, instead of seeing nothing,I saw a giant white Escalade pull up and a little man dressed like a Guido jump out. The tiny man looked around and started to walk directly across from my house into the peninsula of trees and bushes as a look of sneakiness took over his orangey tanned face.

I was intrigued. Before he completely descended into the oasis of green shrubbery and deer ticks I noticed a white box in his left hand. I became intrigued while forgetting all about my date and the anticipation I had just minutes before. Was he hiding money? Maybe it was pirate jewels or a thousand free ice cream cone gift certificates to McDonalds. The possibilities were endless. Then I thought that maybe it was a box of illegal drugs or a murder weapon so I quickly ran downstairs to get a closer look of his truck so that I could write down his license plate just in case.

As I peered through the living room window trying to glance at the plate on the truck something unexpected happened…the man caught me looking! The mysterious Guido had spotted me! I quickly ducked but it was too late! My heart started to race and my palms got all sweaty. I ran for my life up the stairs and into my bedroom slamming the door behind me. I’d been had!

Top 10 Things That Excite The Von

2011-09-10T22:26:00Z

We all love getting excited. That rush of adrenaline that passes through your body and makes your heart start to race while the feeling of fluttering butterflies take over your stomach like a bad batch of burritos. When I was twenty-one it took a lot to get me excited…. a nice vacation, a new car, even a boyfriend buying me a really nice piece of jewelry. Fast forward to thirty-one and I’m like a cheap first date when it comes to getting me excited. It doesn’t take much. One may actually consider me pathetic(I do most of the time) but I have to admit, being easily excited does brighten up my pathetic day and puts a smile on this adorable face.

In honor of myself I have put together a Top 10 list of things that excite me so that you can compare and see if you are as easily excitable and pathetic as me. Enjoy.

1. Front Load Washer and Dryers

Say Hello To My New Friends

Who doesn’t love a front load washer and dryer?! For the past eight years any time I came into contact with one I became severely jealous and secretly wondered what it was like to be a sock or a shirt swishing around in that sudsy oasis of expensiveness. Then I would go home to my 1978 top load washer and throw my dirty laundry into it like they were red headed step children. Then Home Depot decided to extend my credit line and I decided to extend my debt by ordering my very own front load washer and dryer online! The twins were delivered yesterday and I am DYING to get out of work so I can start washing everything in my house!!!

2. Watching Crackheads Argue in Public

By far one of the best sources of free entertainment around. I usually catch these sightings while I’m sitting in my car at a red light. I’ll look over at the bus stop(because crackheads don’t drive cars they take buses) and 6 out of 20 times I’ll see a pair of skell looking dirt bags arguing about who smoked the last hit or who whose turn it is to prostitute themselves for a dollar. Sometimes they’re fighting about the most random stuff like what year Bill Clinton “dirtied” Monica Lewinsky’s dress. Either way I always stop and stare like I’m looking at a train wreck.

3. Waking Up in the Middle of the Night and Realizing I have Another Three Hours of Sleep Until I Have to Get Up for Work.

Dear God.......

2011-08-27T18:24:00Z

As most of you know I live in a delightful oasis called Staten Island, New York. An inconvenient jerk named Irene is on her way to throw a wrench into my weekend plans and probably sink us into the ocean since we are already below sea level. Since I’m notorious for always waiting until the last minute to do anything I will be running around the island looking for gas for my car, bread for my tummy, liquor for my sanity since I am going to stay with my parents and grandmother while the hurricane strikes and a life jacket because I’m super lazy and if we are flooded out I want to be able to just float in the waters effortlessly while waiting to be rescued. With that being said, I’m not going to have time to write a long blog this week BUT I wanted to share something with you that I came across while clearing out some old documents on my computer.

Last year my brother was in the hospital. Every day after him I would go into this little prayer room next to his unit to say a quick prayer and of course to be nosy and thumb through this note pad that people write in asking God for favors. The letters were pretty much all along the same lines of:

“Dear God, Please heal so and so…,”

Then to my delight I came across the most amazing letter to God written by a thirty-six year old man named, Colin.

After reading the letter, I stood there smiling from ear to ear. Colin doesn’t know it but I will find him one day and we WILL become best friends! Just from reading his genius letter to God, I am able to tell that he would be highly capable of entertaining me for hours on end. The only question I had was why this bitey fish hater put his age after his signature. I’m pretty sure God knows how old you are, Colin. Maybe he signs all of his letters like that. I will never know. It’s one of life’s mysteries similar to the mystery of how Paris Hilton keeps getting television producers to give her her own reality shows. Mind boggling!

Thanks for the laughs Colin! Stay dry everyone!

Dear God, “I’m Never Going To Drink Again.”

2011-08-20T15:21:00Z

We’ve all said those golden words full of empty promises: “I am never going to drink again!” Those are the six words you usually whisper up to God immediately following a night of sloppy drunkenness and inappropriate behavior. It’s almost as if preaching that promise out loud will make everything that occurred the night before disappear. That’s never the case.

Believe it or not, I didn’t start drinking until I was twenty-two years old with the exception of two incidents:

1. The Zima I had when I was fourteen which made me think I was the coolest cat on earth.

2. The ten back to back shots of Goldschlager I had at a Christmas Party when I was sixteen.

I thought it was a smart idea to go head to head with my friend who was a three hundred pound seasoned veteran in the alcohol consumption department. I managed to throw back ten shots of the 107 proof, bad decision in a bottle, in a matter of thirty minutes without puking.

Until…….

I was standing by the bar dancing (if you call unsteadily swaying from side to side “dancing”) when Madonna’s Don’t Cry For me Argentina came on. I remember a spinning disco ball followed by maroon and gold carpeting (I remember the carpeting because that is where my face planted after I threw up on myself and toppled over). I was a hot mess! When I woke up I was taken outside, put in a friend’s tiny automobile and driven back to Staten Island to face my destiny…. My Mother!

Hi Mom!

When I got home I was woken up and carried to my front door with only one shoe on my feet (I had lost the other shoe somewhere between Madonna and the car ride home). My sober friend got my mother to open the door and explained what had happened. She then handed me off to my creator who then took me to my room and undressed me for bed. That’s when the inappropriateness occurred. Apparently I tried to slow dance with her while calling her Chad and then tried to make out with her (NOT my proudest moment). I only remember these details because the day after my drunken escapades, my mother and my dear friend took the time to retell the prior night’s happenings resulting in me getting to relive one of my not so favorite days. My favorite part of them recapping the chain of events was my mom telling me that when I first got home I opened my mouth to speak and the flowers in the vase behind her wilted due to the high volume of alcohol that spewed out of my mouth. I was like a drunken dragon! I was impressed. After plenty of Tylenol and large amounts of orange juice I remember looking up to the ceiling (trying to get God’s attention) declaring that six word promise for the first time in my life, “I am never going to drink again!” That promise lasted more than six years because like I stated before, I didn’t drink again until I was twenty-two. Unfortunately I don’t believe it was the promise I had made to God that kept me from drinking alcohol.

Thanks For Nothing, Web MD

2011-08-16T14:57:09Z

Many of you already know (from my multiple whining Facebook status updates) that I some how (maybe during “adult activities”) hurt my back last week and haven’t been able to function properly. I had been self medicating myself with expired muscle relaxers (that I found in an old pocketbook) and Bengay for the first four days but the pain only got worse so I decided to be a responsible adult and take a field trip to the emergency room (any excuse to get to leave work).

When I got there I only had to wait about five minutes until the murse (male nurse) called me into the pre-examination room to take my vitals.

He asked me what brought me there and I told him I was having severe back pain. I went on to tell him I couldn’t move my neck and I felt constant throbbing and pain. He wrote it all down and sent me into the examination room to wait for the doctor. About twenty minutes later an older Asian man walked in and introduced himself as Dr.Cheng (this is where my aggravation started). As he held my chart in his hand and began reading it, he asked me the exact same questions that the murse asked me twenty minutes before. I told him I was having severe back pain that I definitely thought I pulled a muscle. He nodded and asked me if I have a history of asthma. I told him no. Then he asked me if I had a fever and I asked him what my chart revealed since the murse took my temperature when I arrived. I could see the conversation was going nowhere. As soon as I started to lose faith in the American Healthcare System it got even worse! Moments after I told him all of my symptoms he went over to his computer and started entering them into Web MD! I couldn’t believe my eyes. This man wasn’t a resident, he was a real deal doctor and ASIAN! I thought to myself, “Aren’t Asians supposed to be smarter than us? Why is he using Web MD?!”

After a few seconds my “assessment” came back. He looked at me and said, “I send you downstairs for chest x-ray. You may have pneumonia.” In which I replied, “I do not have pneumonia, I have a back injury.” Apparently doctors believe Web MD over their patients because moments later I was being sent downstairs to the x-ray lab to have pictures taken of my chest so that Dr.Cheng could see the pneumonia I didn’t have.

When I got to the x-lab my aggravation level was at about a nine.

Stalker Alert!

2011-08-16T14:50:45Z

PLEASE NOTE: No names have been changed to protect the parties’ privacy.

If you have a private Facebook account AND an arch nemesis in life you’ve probably gotten a “friend request” at one time or another by a person that just didn’t seem “kosher.” Ninety-nine percent of the time I can almost guarantee that the person friending you, of which you have no idea who they are, is most likely that one person you have tried to rid your life of but like a bad case of herpes they keep coming back.

I have two arch nemesis’ in life. Both are complete jerks who have lots of time on their hands to friend me with fake Facebook profiles. I actually fell prey to one of them last year when on of them pulled the wool over my eyes and got me to accept a friend request from a hot guy named Vinny whose profile picture was of him modeling a tight pair of boxer briefs.

Would You Accept A Friend Request From Him?

I was in heat that week so of course I accepted without even questioning. After drooling over his half naked pics and exchanging a few flirty Facebook messages I began to realize that I wasn’t dealing with, “Hot Vinny the Underwear Model,” I was dealing with “Crazy Karen the Psycho Ex Friend.” Not only had I been had but after calling her out she made fun of my Rod Stewart hair cut and the 30lbs I had packed on since I had last seen her.

I was furious for falling victim to a fake Facebook profile and realized that having short hair while being chubby probably wasn’t the best look for me. I quickly blocked “Hot Vinny the Underwear Model aka “Crazy Karen the Psycho Ex Friend” and intend on never accepting a friend request again unless of course I personally know the person and if I do they must be prepared to answer some background check questions just so I can make sure.

I have been in the clear of any stalker shenanigans up until yesterday. When I logged onto Facebook I received the strangest friend request from a man by the name of Boris Jelinek of the U.K. I looked at Boris’ page and he had no friends, no photos and no wall posts. Since I had an absolute ton of work to do at my job I decided to do what any great employee would do which was try and find out who Boris Jelinek was and this is what I got:

Jen Remauro: Cousin Boris!??

Boris Jelinek: Erm … I don’t think so … FB suggested we should be friends so I thought … “okay”

Jen Remauro: sorry……I already have a freind in the UK…

Boris Jelinek: can’t you have more than one?

Jen Remauro: no

Jen Remauro: if that person cancels their Facebook you will be the first one I friend in the UK

Boris Jelinek: damn and I had a space for an arrogant, rude American … oh well need to keep looking ;-P

Jen Remauro: do you have an accent?

Boris Jelinek: yes a Scottish one …. you?

Jen Remauro: an African American one

Boris Jelinek: super … with a hint of NY?

Jen Remauro: no, Utah

Boris Jelinek: so why does it say NY on your profile?

Jen Remauro: I live in NY but have the accent of an African American that lives in Utah.

Boris Jelinek: I have no idea what that would sound like … you will need to send me a recording one day

Jen Remauro: I think I picked it up from watching way too much of The Bronze Buckaroo

and Harlem Rides The Range when I was a kid

Boris Jelinek: lol … I didn’t wish to ask, but I didn’t think you looked very African American

Jen Remauro: I’m not.

Boris Jelinek: so what do you do when you aren’t watching tele or conversing with your one British friend?

Jen Remauro: I’m a Cat Food Quality Controller..you?

Boris Jelinek: IT Consultant

are cats really that fussy that they need a QT for their food?

QC I meant

Jen Remauro: Yes. They are very picky.

You can’t imagine what happens if a bad batch of salmon gets mixed into their food.

**”Boris” never replied after that which kind of made me sad because I was having so much fun. The funniest thing about this whole situation is that “Boris” actually found that one friend I have on Facebook from the U.K. (which I didn’t even really think I had) and friended her!

Von 101

My Cougar Hunter Poem

Let The Beatings Continue

Deep Thoughts

Listen To Me On LA Talk Radio!

Deep Thoughts

New Years Resolutions..They’re Dumb.

Top 10 Shameless Twitter Accounts to Follow in 2011

10- albertina rizzo @albz

http://hialbertina.tumblr.com/

9- Stephanie @Smethanie

8- mark normand @marknorm NYC

7- Jim Norton @JimNorton

6-kelly oxford @kellyoxford

5- Mary Charlene @IamEnidColeslaw Chicago-ish

4- Rose Surnow @rosesurnow Brooklyn

The Von’s Top 10 Tweets of The Week

The Von’s Top 10 Tweets of The Week

The Von’s Top 10 Tweets of The Week

The Von’s Top 10 Tweets of The Week

The Von’s Top 10 Tweets of The Week

The Von’s Top 10 Tweets of The Week

The Von’s Top 10 Tweets of The Week

The Von’s Top 10 Tweets of the Week

The Von’s Weekly Top 10 Tweets of The Week

The Von’s Top 10 Tweets of The Week

Top 10 Tweets of the Week

Dear Von: Part Tre

I Heart The SPORK

Turkey Poop

Top 10 Things That Excite The Von

Dear God.......

Dear God, “I’m Never Going To Drink Again.”

Thanks For Nothing, Web MD

Stalker Alert!